a medium-length ramble

begin with the assumption

that you are Enough.

I currently have these words hanging on my wall, above my desk, right next to my computer screen. I hung them there because a) I am one of those people that hangs “inspirational quotes” on my walls; I have hung them on post-its and post-cards and the backs of playbills and the corners of napkins and, when I am feeling particularly strongly, I have occasionally scrawled them on my own skin, in permanent ink so that they stay there long enough that my eyes have memorized their shape by the time they’re gone

And b)

a tribute.

Sometimes I get horribly lonely here. Mostly it hits in the mornings - I'll think, if I never even get out of bed today, who will notice or care?, and What's the point if moving away from home if everywhere I go, no matter how cool, my loneliness comes with me?

But then I realize that I'm not really alone, not ever - and it's not because I live in a warm fuzzy awareness of the Divine presence or something, because let's be honest, I'm not that spiritual. It is because I am deeply, humblingly aware of how much help I have had to get even this far in life, how much support and unconditional love it takes to get me through every singe day, up to and including this one. Even though they aren't with me, I walk all day with my family.

and now, the hard part. (or, GAH YETIS ARE EVERYWHERE)

Hello, my lovely readers.
While I have not actually been ambushed and devoured by yetis cleverly disguised as snowdrifts (or rather, it being 86 degrees in Chicago today, city buses), it is certainly beginning to feel like it.

We all know that moving to a new place - and following your dreams, and being a grownup, and blah blah blah all those associated things - is hard. People who have done so tell you this all the time. It is a widely accepted fact in most of the circles I move in, including but not limited to theatre people, middle-class folk, recent college grads, and In-Denial Twelve-Year-Olds Anonymous.
What most of us don't realize until it is much, much too late, is that simply being told this is not doing diddly to prepare us for the reality. We think, "Okay, it's gonna be hard. That's okay! I will be strong! I will believe in myself! I am a Strong, Independent, More-Or-Less-Grown-Up Professional, and I can totally do this!"

Hold up there, tiger. Here are five real for real things that you had better be ready for.
You're welcome.

Shameville

The road to Shameville runs thusly.

I'd just keep moving, if I were you. this is an unapologetically fangirly post about Gray's Anatomy.

I kind of love this show, guys.

I started watching it about halfway through my senior year of college (wow...I can say that....in the past tense. WOW), when I realized that the oddly homesick-like feeling I was having had much more to do with my withdrawal from medical dramas (mostly House and ER, plus the occasional Nip/Tuck or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman rerun) than with wanting to go home and sleep in my own bed, or any silly sentimental thing like that.

I still remember being about eight (or maybe as young as five or six) and watching ER at my grandparents' house, mouth hanging open, fingers splayed across my smeary glasses because I was so conflicted about whether to gawk at or hide from the images of horribly injured people lying on tables with all their insides showing.
Now, despite their tendencies to spoil and bewilder me, I have terribly responsible grandparents, and I still don't understand why they let me watch this very adult stuff. Maybe they didn't notice? Or thought I was too young to understand? Not that it matters now. I was, and am, most definitely hooked.

[This is somewhat ironic, given my (so low as to be nearly nonexistent) gore tolerance in various other contexts. Last week I saw Cabin in the Woods with some friends, and while I will grant you that it was a very smart, very meta, very Chris-Hemsworth-aka-Thor-is-in-it movie (all bona fide ingredients for success, in my opinion), I definitely missed large parts of the second half due to having my face buried in my boyfriend's collarbone. Rotting zombies? Sharp pointy things getting stabbed through people? Scary pain-saws? Flesh-eating of any kind? Not gonna happen. I get upset when I'm playing Portal 2 and my animated character gets shot and leaves bloodstains on the wall. This should tell you all you need to know.]

Anyway, I digress. What I really wanted to tell you is that my leading motivation for becoming a better person is now so that I can be more like my favorite characters from Grey's Anatomy.

a quick look backwards

Hello, friends!

Well, here we are, just a couple of days from 2012. I thought for awhile about trying to pull together some kind of Best-Of post, but honestly, my year wasn't nearly that simple.

hope?

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Lauren on Pinterest

But the real question is, how much do my professors really care about "trying" vs. "succeeding"?

It's been a rotten week for grades, friends. But hey - at least it's Friday!

wait ... didn't we just do this?

I mean, I did plan this and knew full well it was coming, but the time's flown faster than I thought possible - once again, it's time for me to pack up and get ready to leave town. I've only been home for a month this time, and when I get back, it'll be a scant day and a half (if that) before I leave yet again.

Great grief.

10 things

…that make life worth it.

1. Well-told stories. Really good ones; the kind that make your imagination explode

2. The perfect coffee buzz

3. Amazing Grace

4. Honest conversations that ramble into the wee hours

5. Dancing

not a real post

...Hmm. There's supposed to be something about a trip to Europe in this space, isn't there?

How embarrassing.

I could blame the Wedding (and the four-day weekend).

I could blame the end-of-semester Care Crash.

But honestly, I'm pretty sure it's just another case of procrastination kicking my butt.

Sorry, friends. I will be back tomorrow, though, with coffee and pictures and wit and EVERYTHING.

Until then...thanks for your patience. *sheepish face*

deep breaths

Too many options,

Moving too fast

When all I want

Now

Is to sit quietly and think.

About when life was simple. And boring. And there was peace,

To take the place of this college/life

Excitement.

reminder time.

Today, I do not have any words in me. Today, I am tired, chubby, dull and unattractive. Today is a day for borrowing other peoples' words.

"Our deepest FEAR is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
we are POWERFUL beyond measure. It is our LIGHT, not our darkness, that most
frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a
child of GOD. Your playing small doesn't SERVE the world.
There's nothing ENLIGHTENED about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to SHINE, as children do. We are born to make
manifest the GLORY of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in EVERYONE. And as we let our
own LIGHT shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are LIBERATED from our own fear, our PRESENCE automatically liberates
others."

~ Marianne Williamson