06 September 2013

An Open Letter to Harvey, the Nonconsensual Roommate

Dear Harvey,

Let me open by saying that of course, I realize that this situation isn’t your fault. Winter is coming, after all, and a nice warm apartment like ours, full of bookshelves to hide behind and absent any nasty old cats, must have been awfully tempting. I understand where you’re coming from. Truly, I do.

Unfortunately, we’ve discussed it between the two of us (that would be, Us, the two people who actually signed the lease), and we regret to inform you that you are no longer welcome on the premises. I mean, let’s be honest – you were never welcome in the first place. But it’s very definite and official now: we are going to need you to leave.

I’m asking nicely now, but please be aware that we are very firm on this point. At the risk of seeming crude and unfeeling, I must still inform you that traps have been laid, food has been double-packaged, and steel wool has been shoved into that hole behind the couch. It’s nothing personal. Honest. It’s not you. It’s us. We really, really, really don’t want a third roommate. Especially one that might carry diseases and chew on our belongings and leave poo pellets in the hallway. No offense.

I hope this finds you well, happy, and taking up residence in someone else’s apartment, Harvey. I would say I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us, but that would be a lie – I kind of hate mice.

Harvey is not this cute. Unfortunately.

P.S. Have you seen that movie, Mousetrap? Let’s not take things that far. I’m sure we can all be adults about this.

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